Hand in Marriage

By Dr. Quandi Jackson

A client of mine asked, “Dr. Quandi, how do you feel about fathers handing their daughters over to a man for marriage as if she is a piece of property. Do women need permission? Should the man need permission as well?” I shared my perspective.

Ancient times reveal that "giving the bride away" meant that the father was passing over his possession (his daughter) for another man's possession (his wife) in exchange for dowry.  Back then, and still today in some cultures, parents arrange marriages for their children. Fortunately, in these times, women are held more in high regard.

Whether the bride or the groom, the peaceful decision to commit to each other should be a spiritually guided decision. Both the bride and groom know what feels right. Each has his and her own unique journey in life. The Inner Guide trumps parental guide and opinion any day; however, dialogue about the decision to marry is beneficial to the loved ones of the bride and groom. Most parents do want the best for their babies, no matter how old they grow.

It is healthy and appropriate to create healthy dialogue with the family of your partner first, before taking the steps to just engage and marry; to just insert yourself in one's life, especially if you have children, lacks a healthy start to what can be a great relationship. Dialogue about your position in your partner's life shows your respect, interest in what's going on, and the desire to create a healthy, loving relationship environment. This opens the space for everyone to become familiar with each other and exchange thoughts. This dialogue isn’t necessarily about seeking permission to marry your partner, but it's nice to share what role you intend to live out.

When my parents divorced and had begun dating new people, it was important for me and my siblings to know the person who was romantically involved with our parents. We wanted to be involved; we wanted to know that they would be treated well. The divorce was challenging enough, but then for mom and dad to spring up with somebody new was even more challenging.  There was no time to process that the two people we loved the most had split apart. All children have valid opinions too and these opinions should be taken seriously.

It’s just as important for newly dating parents to share their love life, as well as, for their adult children to share their love life. It’s just healthy from both perspectives! Though situations may occur where family may not be too fond of the significant other, dialogue and respect of everyone involved is key.

Whether female or male, neither should be passed off as a piece of property. Different perceptions can be embraced: possibly, a new perception may be that a bride and groom are a precious gift to life and humanity and that both families honor the expansion of their new addition.

To create healthy spaces, families from both the female and male sides should have an opportunity to sit and dialogue and to share love. Love feels good; it is understanding; it is wise, and it should be expressed in all we do, specifically in our desire to dialogue about something as significant as marriage.